Last Day of High School

I'm actually glad I wasn't as social at this school as much as my other schools because that made today a lot easier. I was surprised just how affected I was from saying good bye to my art teacher, she really did an impact on this year though. I'm not much for "final departures" to begin with, it's not that I get teary eyed, although with a select few that is the case, it's just that I feel an actual change, a change in state almost.

After a "final departure" we all transition into our "new beginnings" and I do believe that causes a bit of confusion with our emotions. Do we feel despair for leaving or joy for beginning? It's not possible to feel both at the same time and remain sane (haha just kidding). I have moved so many times in my life so I know the transition oh to well, but the one I am about to embark on has a different feeling to it. I suppose it's my realization that my dream of college is finally here.

Off and on I feel a little sad about leaving Michael here although I know he will visit me often. I guess it's fear, fear of the change that is inevitable. Although I know the past changes will not be reoccurring.. I have mixed emotions. I count down the day until my first day at Ringling and then I see us saying our last good byes and I realize that every time we see each other after that we are going to have an amazing love in our eyes. Longing for someone like we do even when we are just hours apart from seeing again, soon weeks? The longing will be intense but I do feel fortunate that I am the one leaving, as selfish as that may seem. With the new experiences ahead of me I will not feel such sadness as I did years ago, positive experiences will distract my over working mind. I have to admit, I worry about a person or two that he might hang out with a lot more, only because they are bad influences. (Now I sound like a mother :-P)

With every change I realize the little things I miss, leaving junior year and entering senior year meant Michael and I would be driving and as the months passed I missed our frolicking by the bike rack, morning trips to 7-11, and dancing by the street. It's last occurrence was only this morning and yet I already miss when he would wait for me outside of school and drive behind me on the way home. Even though with my cautious driving he probably hated being behind me haha.

Well a change in state has been completed, all I see before me is Ringling and I couldn't be more excited. I honestly can't explain my happiness for what comes in August (that understatement is humorous).

Graduation practice on Monday will be my last walk on Lake Brantley campus, and next Fridays graduation will be the last time I see their faces.

81 days, 23 hours, 47 mins, 40 seconds until first day of Orientation at Ringling.

And with that I say good day

There are guards around the palace

Recent events have made me reflect and analyze many things. This morning in second period I started experiencing symptoms to what I knew were my "black out" symptoms. I was frightened and confused because I didn't know why I would be experiencing them, I was having a normal day. The most important thing was to hide it from everyone around me as if I felt normal, even if I could barely balance or see. The bell rang and I went to my car, still experiencing the same symptoms and almost expecting the inevitable to come. I had to drive home and although that was scary I was glad I arrived home without it happening yet.

Laying down I felt no change, frustration and helplessness were what I felt emotionally, physically I felt pressure on my head, so strong it made my eye lids lower, nauseous, dizzy, unable to balance, unable to breathe, racing heart, weakness. It is then that I began to think.

I remember my first black out, 7th grade at school. I realize how early it started and it saddens me, so young, so naive to what she was feeling. I remember I was in class and suddenly became very sick to my stomach, I asked the teacher if I could go to the nurse and it was in the hall the rush of other symptoms came. I began to stumble and my vision was surrounded with black, I remember one person walking past me and I could not tell what gender they were, what they were wearing, they were just a blob. I remember what it was like to have to struggle down the staircase to the nurses office, I barely made it and I prayed to God with each step I would. I almost collapsed several times and it felt like it took an eternity... I sort of forgot the rest of the way but I remember the nurse saying I look "as pale as a sheet of paper". I called my mother and she was not alarmed. Come to find out she would never be alarmed. I don't know if it was her way of coping or what, that's just a tangent though.

I went to the doctor and they diagnosed nothing, sent me home and told me to drink lots of fluids, I returned to school the next day a different person. I was no longer as naive as I was, and many doors to realization slung themselves open. I wish it never happened, they remain open 'til this day. As I grew older I realized the trigger for my first blackout was family issues.

That made me remember 3rd grade, in 3rd grade my mother made me see a school psychologist every Friday because I "never smiled". I remember playing games with her that I now think she used to get me to speak. I was so quiet as a child, so confused by the world and unable to respond to what it layed before me. I remember she constantly asked me how I felt about my fathers absence, I believe I told her it made me sad, I don't remember if I cried in front of her or not but I think I did.

I remember when I used to cry because I didn't know my dad and I thought living with him would be better than living with my mom. I wondered what he would think of me and I wondered if he loved me. My mom excluded him from my life from ages 5-10. For some reason, since I didn't remember much before 5, I always felt like he was never there. They were divorced when I was a baby and for two years he saw me every weekend.

I am now heavily disappointed and sickened by the thought that I cried to want to live with him. When it came about that I would live with him, without my knowledge, I learned that it was the worst situation I could have been in. As mentally ill as he is he made a horrible father and resulted in much emotional damage to myself.

I currently have a hate/accept relationship with both of my parents (instead of a love/hate relationship) I hate how much damage they did to me, I hate how they kept me from being the person I could have been and at times I accept their mental illnesses and actions and am nice to them, wanting to forgive them. I understand I wouldn't be the person I am today without the things I have been through, but sometimes I truly wish I wasn't the person I am today. I wish I could be naive, ignorant, materialistically happy. I wish... I know in the end I would disgust myself if I was like that, but I would disgust myself because I am the way I am. Which in the end that sometimes disgusts me.

I never have made progress the times I did get external help (social workers, psychologists, etc) because I was always moving, not by choice. I wonder what would have happened if I would have continued to see my psychologist Julie and my social worker Emily. I miss them...I miss what could have happened with them.

I have a story, one that would take hours to tell. No one would actually listen to it for hours so it would have to be broken up into days. I have a story I choose not to share because of the fact I'm afraid I will tell it and the person will not actually be paying full attention. I have a story that I will not tell because I'm afraid they will not understand and will not accept me. I know many people won't understand, their minds are sheltered and I do not say this in a negative light, it is reality.

Many times I wish I could travel in time at the age I am now and comfort the younger version of me. I wish I could protect her, stand up for her, help her. I wish I could. I think of the younger me and I feel like I'm not the same person, but then again I don't really know who I am. I look in the mirror and sometimes I don't recognize myself. I say my name and sometimes it doesn't connect with who I am.


I wish I could tell my story because hiding it makes me feel slightly alone. I feel not fully 100% accepted because they don't know it. Honestly I can't tell everyone my story, that would be self-damaging because in this society not everyone is a permanent friend. Not everyone is a true friend. I have learned this.

I wish I didn't have some of the hatred I do for my boyfriend. Not for him but for his actions, for his past actions. I hate that he literally broke a part of me before that could never be repaired, I wonder what I would be like if things didn't happen the way they did. I wish I didn't ache from what he did. I wish I could forget, I wish I didn't have bad dreams over it...I'm growing but I wish it was faster. I can now listen to certain songs that used to instantly make me cry in remembrance. I wish I understood.

I feel saddened because I doubt many people will take the time to read this. I feel that that means they don't care. I'm not usually this emotional and pessimistic, I believe the near blackout earlier put me in this exposing state.

I wish I could write certain things right now but I'm afraid of being judged.

I wish I knew what all the hatred meant.

I write in my diary, and yet I feel no relief afterward. I rarely write in it because I feel like writing the words makes it to real, to much to really handle. I don't know...

After writing all of this I have yet to feel release, I believe I will feel some if someone responds to this with comforting or nice words but I do not expect anyone to. Thats something I do lately, I say things like "I understand he might be late and thats ok" so I do not get disappointed if hes not there. I feel weak but I am not.

I once had a psychiatrist tell me "you will be lucky if you make it to your 18th birthday". How sad, a psychiatrist has the nerve to say that to her patient. Anyway, I have passed my 18th birthday by a month and yet I feel only slightly better than when it was told to me years ago. Maybe more than slightly, I know I have grown a lot. I keep growing yet I have done it alone. I wish I could talk to someone regularly that could help me understand,cope and recover from the damage but that has been unpossible seeing my relatives would not allow me to see someone. They said "if you live with nana you will not be seeing anyone, you shouldn't be depressed and don't put stress on her", it's like they don't care, as in they don't want me to get help they want me to silently deal with it to make it easier on them. College means that I will have more control and will be able to finally begin recovery and talk to someone regularly. I questioned rather I should write a few things on the Health form to Ringling because again, I didn't want to let them in on the truth. I wrote it anyway, I can't hide from everyone.

I know even these censored things might not be accepted by some.

---

Sometimes I go past places of my past, like an old house or school and I can almost imagine myself watching the younger version of me at that place. Like passing an elementary school I look to see if I can see my younger version playing on the playground. I believe this is just a hope of mine to go back in time to the innocent, naive version of me.

I view 6th grade as the happiest year of my life. I do this because it was before the realization of emotions and my situations, I was surrounded by unbelieveable best friends that I had unforgetable memories with and it was before I was interested in boys (did that only bring stress!). I wish I could go back to that year, it saddens me how impossible that truly is.

I keep wanting to write things because I don't know what to do if I stop writing this, my thoughts will continue and what is there to distract me?

Michael knows my story but I feel like he doesn't fully understand or give it the attention/understanding it requires. I am saddened by this but oh well.

I wish I could grow, complete all growth by the end of today, but I can't. Time somewhat heals all wounds.


I wish someone would read this and respond instantly but I know thats impossible. I just don't want to stop writing, post, and then the thoughts continue.

I am not weak, I hate the label emo.

I am confused.

I regret that I wasn't more social my junior and senior year, granted I moved AGAIN and that did affect me but everyone is getting their yearbooks and I feel no need to, I barely know anyone in there besides the teachers and the people I do know, well who knows. I got a call yesterday from a lady thats helping coordinate prom, she asked me who I wanted to sit with, I said sit my with anyone just make sure my date is with me. I don't like how she response to that, it was almost insulting.

I have tried to find out "who I really am" since the age of 12, after my first black out, but I still don't know who that is.

......The Bright Futures Ordeal

Ok ok so I have been stressed about this because, who wouldn't? I have even cried a few times out of frustration but you will understand why soon enough.

I have moved between 10 schools in 11 years, this does bring quite a bit of change between school systems and has raised a rather enormous issue. I moved into the Florida school system the beginning of my junior year. Florida schools have a scholarship program that if you get a certain score on the ACT or SAT, have a certain GPA, and take the right courses (that's where the issue came in) you can get a scholarship guaranteed. The amount depends on a few things like if you did community service but I was shooting for the "75% Bright Futures Scholarship". The issue is when I moved into the Florida school system before my junior year I spoke with a counselor about which classes to take, the usual, and something was largely overlooked. I of course was ignorant to the requirements for the bright futures scholarship and was depending on the assistance of the guidance counselor, well she overlooked something....for two years. When counseling my on my classes needed for graduation she neglected to include that I needed to take TWO of the SAME foreign language classes. I had taken Spanish 1 in 8th grade (for high school credit) and French 1 my sophomore year and was considering of venturing into German so I spoke it over with her and she signed me up to take German 1 my junior year. She overlooked and neglected to properly enforce that I needed to take TWO of the SAME foreign language classes. How could she let that slip for two years, including when I was coached on what classes to take before senior year and during my senior credit check I don't know. So my junior and senior year I took all the classes I needed to meet graduation requirements and got a ACT score that passed the bright futures requirement and maintained a 4.0 GPA. One week into my FOURTH and FINAL quarter of high school I get a letter from the Florida Department of Education stating I am INELIGIBLE for the "75% bright futures scholarship". Of course I was frantic because previous to this I have met with the same counselor many times for letters of recommendations to other scholarships, etc and she had stated twice between those meetings that if I wanted to go to a community school instead of a private school the 75% scholarship would fully cover the tuition. She went on to say "you qualify for the bright futures 75% scholarship so if you want to go to Seminole Community College I could definitely take to some people. Of course I don't want to go there I want to go to school where I need as much money as possible.. Right after I received the email I wrote my counselor of the issue, politely stating what can we do and how I did not understand how that would be possible. She replied saying, "Well, you are an intelligent individual I never thought to question your understanding of the bright futures scholarship". You never thought to question? You should have checked your scholarship like your job entails and pointed it out to me in the last TWO years. I have only received one bright futures page expressing the qualifications and it wasn't helpful in the first place. So I contacted another guidance counselor at my school and have been working through her although I doubt you could consider what is going on work. I contacted her before spring break telling her of the issue and she didn't get back to me until a week and a half later, the only reason she got back to me is because I wrote the department of education expressing the issue and they had forwarded the email to her. She was offensive, because she neglected to read the email I sent to the department of education and thought I was saying that she had said the quote "Well I never.." and had neglected the issue. Until she read the rest of my email did she somewhat loosen up and said "OHHHH I thought you were saying that I said all of that", I said "No. I clearly stated Mrs. Ericksons name". During this entire time I had to kiss up to them because if I gave them a hard time (like they deserve) I would get no where and they would basically say "tough luck" because they would be defensive. So I smiled, was polite and understanding. They gave me my options: taking a CLEP test over French 1 & 2 or taking a year long Spanish class online. This is all into the fourth quarter of my senior year mind you, I would have a little over a month to complete the class and I took Spanish 4 years ago, that's the foreign language I did worst in. So I inquired about the CLEP test, and realized that taking that test and getting a score of 59 (passing) to be qualified for the bright futures scholarship would be more difficult than they lead on. It would be on both french 1 & 2, I have never taken 2 and I took french 1 two years ago, of course I barely remember anything. I would have to cram both levels in 3 weeks and take the test. So I spent $40 at borders for an audio and workbook package to help me prepare. After that I read up more on the CLEP test and found it would be including a short and long dialogue section with 121 questions to be completed in 90 minutes. Hello issue? Yeah I could learn the words but understanding a dialogue between two people when you haven't been surrounded by the spoken language is extremely difficult, issue number two I am cramming both levels into three weeks and have only 90 minutes to take the test? That's hardly enough time to break up each word in the sentence to understand it to answer the question to the best of my ability. I wrote the new counselor seeing if we could lift the time set on the test so I could complete it to the best of my ability. I also called the lady in charge of bright futures with the department of education, her response was discouraging and simply rude. She said, "Well I don't know anything about the test I just know we accept it" she didn't even listen to the situation and lacked any sympathy, thinking I'm just some screw up who now wants the money. So the next day I was called into the counselors office to discuss it....that was today and the news was devastating.

The counselor spoke to the principal of the situation and the principal said that SHE would not accept the CLEP as replacement for getting French 2 credit and would not sign the waiver on my transcript. See the CLEP is the only thing bright futures will accept without taking the course which with only 4 weeks left of school, I have no time to do, its impossible. I don't understand why my principal won't sign the paper, I need her signature to be sent to the department of education and then DING the issue is solved. Me doing all the work of course, filling close to impossible standards. So then the counselor tells me the principal will only accept one option. I would not be able to participate in graduation and would take Spanish 2 as a summer course. Do you understand what she just asked me to do....not participate in graduation....for their error? Because she doesn't want to accept a CLEP test that I would have to bust my butt on....

I am an only child, my mother would only get to see me walk once and they don't want to grant that. I said "I don't care if you give me a blank piece of paper until August I just want to be apart of the ceremony. I have been looking forward to this since elementary school when I started getting on the A/B Honor roll." She said "Well the graduation ceremony is for people who have completed the transcript and you haven't therefore you couldn't walk". I have fulfilled all my graduation requires in fact I have more credits than needed, why would something to be taken for a scholarship stand in the way of me just walking? Michael graduated last year and he knew of a few people that were allowed to walk but had to complete their credits in summer school...

Scholarship money? (only roughly $10,000 for the four years) or participating in something that is a huge milestone for me and that means so much to me. That would be one of the worst days of my life, waiting at home while others, idiots even, are getting to walk.

Why did they lie to me and say I couldn't walk if last year they let people who didn't even meet the graduation requirements walk and finish up in summer school?

------------------

In the middle of finishing this I got a returned call from the lady from the department of education, she said "I don't know why your Principal said she wouldn't sign off or approve the CLEP test score, there is nothing for her to sign off on the score just has to be added to your transcript". WHY did the Principal say that?!

It's like they are committing mutiny against me.... I cried when I got home. How is it fair? I have excelled all of my school years. I mean the principal was at the Rotary Awards Reception last night!!!!! She sees I strive for greatness and yet won't let me celebrate by walking? Idiots with no plans for their future and a 2.0 GPA get to walk but why not me? Not without giving up the scholarship. The scholarship would only give $2,700ish a year and that would only cover the amount of one semester of a dorm. It helps I'm not complaining. This is my ordeal, this frustrating situation that preoccupies my mind, and has made me cry.

Tomorrow I will inform the counselor of my call with the lady from department of education saying that I could graduate and get the scholarship if I excel on the CLEP test. Now time to study........

Rotary Rising Achievers Reception

I applied for the Rotary Rising Achiever and was awarded it, it's basically an award given to 2 students of each of the 9 schools in the county. It's representing the school and acknowledging you for your hardships and how you pursed something larger, a successful education. So the ceremony was on Sunday (04/19/09) at the Lake Mary Marriott and it was truly beautiful. Previous to the ceremony we had a professional photographer take head shots of each winner and those photos were blown to fit large posters that were at the ceremony. It was a delightful 3 course meal and I especially enjoyed the desert with the edible white chocolate piece with the Rotary International logo with the motto "Make Dreams Real". My mom was there, my grandmother took the place of Michael since he couldn't get the day off work and I was able to nominate my art teacher for the most influential teacher to impact my life so she was there as well.

After enjoying desert each winner was called up and a summary of their life and hardships were said and then they were given; it was told that the scholarship recipients would be announced afterwards. To my and everyones surprise we realized that as we took the stage to take our certificates an envelop accompanied it. Thankfully everyone was given a scholarship of $750, not just a few recipients. I thought that was amazing because no one was excluded, especially with the stories I was hearing I was wondering how they could choose. There were students who were orphans, one student's father (also his hero) committed suicide, a homeless student who strives to succeed, etc. I was in awe at the end. The teachers we nominated were also given a seasons 52 $50 giftcard.

I thought it was hilarious but of course since Michael couldn't go he was hoping it would happen, we got to take the large "posters" home as well as the centerpieces and chairs.

just kidding...

There was a live action for a once in a lifetime Daytona 500 package but it didn't sell as well as they had hoped and I sort of felt bad about that. Of course they are trying to get thousands out of whose wallet? The struggling single parents or the parents who open their hearts and wallets to helping other young people like orphans.

It was overall an amazing experience and it was nice to gather with such extraordinary people. I'm glad I was given the $750 check and I immediately put that in my checking account after we left, that brings my total savings (from my own pocket, I saved every dime of every check) $1,800. I should save about 2,000 something by the time I need to pay that towards my Ringling tuition. It's a small amount but it matters.

Fine fine

I give in, I will disrupt my ordered blog to also submit the charcoal and pencil drawing I also submitted in my portfolio to Ringling.

*Ta*Da*

Tomorrow is my 18th Birthday!

I am overjoyed this day has finally come, not so much for the popular reasons other high school kids are but this means independence, no more depending on signatures to take care of myself. I'm also looking forward to getting a credit card, also not for the usual reasons, lol to build credit [I quite the boring adult]. I just hope to be financially dependent and secure. Although I was hoping to go to the keys over spring break to celebrate and those plans fell through because of financial reasons, its still going to be nice to celebrate it with family. Plans: Olive Garden with family, the shopping. Unfortunately my boyfriend isn't going to be there because he scheduled himself to work that day..unknowingly. Ah well, it was so he could get yesterday off to go to the beach with me and a friend [and her boyfriend], so it was already made up for. I hadn't hung out with this friend since 6th grade and we just recently got in touch so it really meant a lot and made my birthday even more memorable.

I did say that if I didn't get the McKelvey Entrepreneurial $40,000 Scholarship it would be a "birthday ruiner" since it was a 50/50 chance I would get it..but I will survive. It's just realizing more debt for the first course on the menu that is a little disappointing. I don't know why I've had such terrible luck with scholarships. The only thing that keeps me happy after such disappointing news is knowing I got into Ringling and thats enough of an accomplishment, and certainly the strongest hope I've held. I think I've confirmed I am more excited to go to Accepted Student Day than my own birthday. I can't wait!

The release(s)

*This image and the images below it are what I submitted to Ringling College of Art and Design in my portfolio.